In the Fire of Self-Enquiry: A Journey Between Knowing and Not-Knowing

 

Opening Note:

This is a personal reflection from my own path of self-enquiry. It’s not polished wisdom or advice. It’s a raw glimpse into what it means to walk the inward path — where every step questions the one before.

What is real — and who am I, apart from everything I’ve ever believed?

For the past 3–4 years, I’ve been reading self-help and spiritual texts—not with a fixed goal, but to understand life better. Yet recently, I’ve realized that most of what I’ve gathered is just intellectual knowledge. Barely 1–2% of it has translated into real inner transformation.

Words are only tools. The ego, subtle as it is, can latch onto spiritual knowledge and create a new identity—the "one who knows," the "seeker," the "wise." This is another trap. We begin to feel superior without actually changing inwardly.

This journey is not a linear road but more like peeling away layers of falsehood. Our conditioning, beliefs, and cultural identities are so deeply embedded that questioning them feels like death. At times, I feel I’m waking up; at other times, I feel completely lost, as if caught between two realities—one that’s collapsing and another that hasn’t fully revealed itself.

And the trap is subtle: even after letting go of one identity, the ego quickly tries to form a new one—the identity of “a seeker,” “a knower,” or “someone spiritual.” This too is illusion.

Often I wonder: should I find a guru? Yet, I also deeply distrust the spiritual marketplace. Many seem more interested in fame, followers, or lifestyle than in true inner transformation. And yet, I sense that all answers lie within—that the one who is seeking is also what is being sought.

The question “What is real?” haunts me. And maybe that’s the point—not to find a final answer, but to live in the fertile unknown. To remain open, unguarded, and willing to lose everything I thought I was.

What is real? I don’t know.
And maybe that’s the first honest step—to live from not-knowing, rather than pretend certainty.

"The one who is seeking is the one being sought"

I feel a deep resonance with Jiddu Krishnamurti and the Ashtavakra Gita. Even if I don’t fully grasp their depth, their teachings unsettle me—and that, I feel, is a sign they are touching something real. They don’t offer paths to follow, but challenge the very need for a path. They disturb the comfort of identity and ask for direct perception, not belief.

And I think the most important learning right now is this:

• To learn to be not known, not identified. To try to see through the filters of the illusive self.
• To continue this journey, knowing that unsettling is part of it.
• To begin by unlearning everything I’ve been told—by questioning it—not to rebel, but to understand the nature of the true self. 

And when all layers are peeled off, the one who has been seeking will reveal itself.

All I’ve said is from my current understanding. Maybe in the future, when I’m closer to truth, everything I believe now will vanish. Perhaps reality is completely different. And honestly, I don’t know what that reality is—for now.

Closing Thought:

The one who is searching is the same as the one being sought. When the search ends—not in arrival, but in utter stillness—perhaps the truth will reveal itself. Not in words, but in silence.